Had they been interviewed, some people who figured in last week's news might have related certain of their doings as follows:

Frank Totten Heffelfinger, Minneapolis grainman, onetime Exeter (boys' school) football-baseball-track-man: "Playing golf in Del Monte, Calif., last week, I killed a wild canary on the 7th hole. The 15th hole I made in one."

Charles A. Whelan, President of the United Cigar Stores Co. of America: "My daughter Clara, mother of five and wife of my able vice president, John T. Cassidy, is a businesswoman. Her company 'Clio et Claire' does a nice business in cosmetics. Last week I was said to have chuckled when she announced: 'It is ridiculous to say that women must always affect the same makeup. With some frocks, for example, red lips and pale cheeks only clash. Why shouldn't women paint their lips green? Or blue?' "

Andrew W. Mellon, Secretary of the Treasury: "Waves leaped high, smote windows and doors on the upper decks. The British White Star liner Olympic rolled like the tub of a washing machine. Said I, on being greeted by Ambassador Myron T. Herrick and my son-in-law, David K. E. Bruce, in Paris: 'It was a severe crossing, one of the worst I ever experienced.' I am in Europe, not for politics, but to visit my daughter who has recently been operated upon for appendicitis, in Rome."

Thomas W. Pelham, Vice President, Gillette Safety Razor Co.: "Waves leaped high, smote windows and doors on the upper decks, tore loose booms. The British White Star liner Majestic bucked like a colicky broncho. Said I upon disembarking at Manhattan: 'The safety razor business is good all over Europe, and I am bringing back an order for 50,000 razors for the Kaffirs of Africa. The Kaffirs sell them to the tribesmen of the interior. Apparently they have grown weary of shells and glass as shaving tools.' '

Miguel Primo de Rivera, Marquis de Estella, Premier of Spain, with "a figure like a Bartlett pear," with a fondness for ladies: "In demanding a rigid press censorship for Spain, I last week remarked: 'I have a number of vices and weaknesses which I never attempted to hide, but wine is not one of them.' Also, the news came out last week that King Alfonso will be unable to carry out the Holy Week custom of pardoning a murderer, for the simple reason that there is no one in Spain awaiting execution. It is well known that no one was executed last year and that crime has been considerably decreased during my premiership."

Acting Mayor Fred B. Frazier of Chattanooga, Tenn.: "My wife and I received with anxious hands a special delivery letter. It read: 'We have your baby. It will take $3,333.33. She is all right, but last night was cold. We don't know what will happen this cold weather. Be ready with the money when we call you. This is not my writing, so you needn't try to trace me.' The police had failed to find the kidnapers of our two-year-old daughter, so we answered the letter, were soon informed by a telegram to look for a Negro boy with a broom handle on a certain street corner. I looked and found a pickaninny at the proper time and place. 'Where's your broom han dle?' asked I. He picked up one from behind a fence. I gave him exactly $3,333.33. Half an hour later, a minister's wife, near our home, answering her doorbell, discovered on her front porch our daughter, partly nude, a bit drowsy from drugs, otherwise uninjured."

Major Max Fleischmann, yeast-man: "Three ladies, four gentlemen and myself, worth $200,000,000 in the aggregate, set out from Los Angeles last week in the steamer Oaxaca,* for the use of which I am paying $50,000 monthly, to seek swordfish and other wild animals in and around the Gulf of California. I had the Oaxaca completely done over to suit my taste. Aboard, our feet will rest on Oriental rugs; our eyes will gaze on rare paintings; our faces will be cooled by electric fans; we will sleep in twin beds instead of berths."

John Barton Payne, Chairman of the American Red Cross and Secretary of the Interior under Wilson (1920-21): "In Bulgaria my train chugged, halted, chugged on. Peasants cheered me at every station. At Sofia, King Boris received me with gratitude. I am now on a good will tour of the world. I fell ill and King Boris' personal physician attended me."

William Gillette, actor: "The ancient legend that actors are kindhearted, especially to one another, came to light again last week when I charged a play broker with grand larceny because he kept $1,000 which I had instructed him to give to Clare Kummer, actress and playwright. In 1925, Miss Kummer was in financial straits, when the opening of one of her plays was delayed. I wanted to assist her with $1,000, but I did not wish her to know it, so I used an intermediary."

President Walter Dill Scott of Northwestern University: "When Mr. & Mrs. William A. Wieboldt of Chicago gave $500,000 for a hall of commerce, the contracts for this and another structure on Northwestern's new 'downtown' campus [in Chicago instead of out in Evanston, Ill.] were given to R. C. Wieboldt & Co. Last week, Raymond C. Wieboldt, son of the donors, returned to the university $153,872 which he had not needed in fulfilling his specifications. Said I: 'The money so honestly and thoughtfully returned will enable the university to complete the campus structures without soliciting new funds."

President James Rowland Angell of Yale University: "The elaborateness of modern college endowment activities was suggested by news last week that one afternoon this month, before I address a 'master dinner' of Yale alumni in Manhattan at the official opening of Yale's latest $20,000,000 campaign, I am to address by radio all Yale alumni in the U. S. and also Europe. A 32.79-metre wave, it is expected, will make my plea for money heard by Yale men, idle and diligent alike, in London, Paris, Berlin, Venice, Cairo."

John D. Rockefeller Sr.: "Last week my grandson,* Nelson Aldrich Rockefeller, a freshman at Dartmouth College, entered the public eye. With an insolence rare among freshmen, he and his classmate, John French Jr., flayed the fraternity system at Dartmouth. Their letter, which was broadcast by the Associated Press, said in part: The fraternities devote too much time to the task of perpetuating themselves . . . and are in danger of collapsing through pursuit of a false goal.' "

Senator William E. Borah of Idaho: "On the steps of the nation's capital, last week, I encountered a man who asked to borrow a dollar to get a bite of lunch. Said I to him: 'That's an old story. I don't believe you're broke, but here's the dollar. This is the proudest moment of my life.' That man was Senator James Couzens of Michigan, richest of all my colleagues, one of the original stockholders of the Ford Motor Co."

Clarence Hungerford Mackay, financier: "I control the Commercial Cables Co., the Postal Telegraph Co. and many another too. Last week, looking for an able man to run them all, I hit upon George V. McLaughlin, Police Commissioner of New York City. I made a job for him as executive vice president, director and member of the executive committee of the Postal Telegraph Co. I offered him a salary reported at $75,000 a year. Some newspaper men ascribed his eventual acceptance to his wife's insistence."

The Maharanee cf Kapurthala: "I was reported last week to be living apart from the Maharaja because he will not give up his harem and slaves."

Frau Mathilde von Ludendorff, wife of the once potent quartermaster general of the imperial German army: "Having been mentioned in my present husband's divorce suit last summer, having written a book about women, having delved into numerology,* I last week addressed a packed auditorium in Berlin on the subject: 'The real truth about the World War.' Said I: 'We learned that a mystic number was responsible. 1914's digits add up to 15. Fifteen means Jehovah, ergo the War was a Jewish conspiracy. The Jews organized the Sarajevo murder. Fortunately, the good old Aryan race instincts prevented the Jewish plot from succeeding. . . . Germany must go back to the good old Niebelungen religion. The ancient Teutons did not pray, but commanded their gods.'

Mrs. Samuel Gompers, widow of the late president of the American Federation of Labor: "I was fined $2 last week in Manhattan for failure to muzzle my dog, even though I insisted that nature had neglected to provide my pet with a suitably sized nose."

*Famed during the World War as one of the "mystery ships" of the Dover patrol; now flying the flag of Panama.

*Two other grandsons, John Rockefeller Prentice and John D. Rockefeller 3rd, are at Yale and Princeton, respectively. John Rockefeller Prentice, especially active, has currently made good copy for the press.

*The science of adding, subtracting and juggling numbers in a mystical and prophetic manner. There is a sizable hive of numerologists in the U. S., known as the Society of Enumeration, with headquarters in Los Angeles.