Tonstant Weader Fwows Up

When it comes to the royal family, the phlegmatic British go all soppy. Newspapers employ droves of columnists to simper publicly over the beauty of small Prince Charles's dimples, to sigh over the elegance of Prince Philip's taste in haberdashery. When the Queen came home a fortnight ago, after six months' absence on her round-the-world tour, the sighs became a gale. Sample from Author Beverley Nichols: "At last she came to the Duke of Edinburgh and those two adorable children. 'I guess those are the four most important people in the world,' said a voice behind me." All this was too much for some of Her Majesty's most loyal subjects. "Sickening gush," snorted crotchety old Columnist Hannen Swaffer. "Almost turned me into a republican." And last week Punch was moved to a page of parodies that were only too close to what the columnists often write. Sample Punchlines:

"Who said we British are cold fish? All hearts went out to brave, Queenloving Mrs. E. Lightfoote of Crouch End the other day when the story of her solitary, all-night vigil outside the Palace was given to the world. And [secretly] how we all envied her! To fasten herself with chains to the railings in case she was moved during the night, and then to suffer the disappointment of falling in a fit of hysteria at the sight of a Curtain being pulled open at one of the Palace Windows shortly before seven a.m.! We lived it with you, Mrs. Lightfoote. And you may be sure that the fruits and flowers now arriving daily at your bedside from all parts of Britain are but a small measure of our admiration. Yours is the spirit which routed that horrid old Armada. And --who knows?--the psychiatrists may soon have you on your feet again. Here's hoping!" "A little bird tells me that Katherine Hepburn, filming over here, walked alone in the Park one day last week--unnoticed! The explanation is simple. It had been rumoured that two Very Important Tiny People were out for a Stroll. I'm sure Katie understood, and forgave us just this once."

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