Smoker's Hack. In Knoxville, Tenn., Golden Gibson, 43, reached absentmindedly for a cigarette, stuck a two-inch firecracker in his mouth and lit it, announced from his hospital bed that he had decided to give up smoking.

Do As I Say. In Berlin, Conn., after he was nagged down by a cop for illegal passing on the right, Motorist William H. Veale commented: "This is embarrassing," produced a card in traffic court identifying himself as secretary of the Connecticut League for Law Enforcement.

Mating Call. In Kansas City, Mo., David R. Worman loaded his .22 rifle, fired several bullets into the wall, explained when police burst in on him: "I was lonely."

Dum Da Dum Dum. In Los Angeles, policemen closed in on Richard Sauer in the Citizens National Bank, caught him with a note demanding "all your fives and tens," hauled him off to jail after confiscating his toy badge and his plastic pistol labeled "Dragnet."

The Sitter. In Sydney, Australia, convicted of living off the earnings of his prostitute wife, Colin Lindsay, 23, explained testily in central court that he could not work because he had to stay home and mind the baby.

Protective Coloration. In Lillington, N.C., defending himself at his trial for drunkenness, County Recorder's Court Solicitor Neill Ross pointed out that his accusers were doubtless misled by the fact that his face was "normally red."

On Balance. In Pittsburgh, after George Shook, 32, pleaded guilty to robbing Grocer Norman F. Krell of $55 at gunpoint, Krell persuaded Judge Walter P. Smart to put Shook on probation because, "He's still one of my best customers."

Fair-Weather Friends. In Detroit, Motorist Lawrence D. McDermott had his license suspended for six months and was fined $100 despite his explanation that when he crashed into a parked police cruiser he was too busy bragging to a passenger about "the good police protection we have in Detroit" to notice where he was going.

Out of Sight. In Memphis, after finishing his second pint of gin, Huel Jones accused his wife of hiding the third pint, wounded her in the side with a .22, ruefully told police: "She never hid that gin; I forgot I already drank it."

Sophist. In Minneapolis, after he was ticketed for parking in a truck zone, Motorist Andy Veres argued in traffic court that he was only half guilty since part of his car projected into a legal parking area, persuaded Judge Tom Bergin to cut his $5 fine to $2.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.