The Monsters Are Back at the Door

By Roger Rosenblatt

Again. That time of year again. The body stiffens, the bones grow cold, and we are standing helpless inside the door awaiting the arrival of our monsters. Each year we perform this ritual, following the Druids in their annual practice of calling forth the terrifying spirits of the age in an effort to dispel them. These are not children--no diminutive, sweet-voiced ghosts and witches reaching timidly for corn candy. They are the real monsters of our times, and they are not so easily appeased. Brace yourself. The moon is hidden in the clouds, the house as quiet as a tomb. And here they come again:

VOICES OF TERROR

1) Hi. This is Jill. I'm not at home now. I'm out or something. But I guess that's like obvious. Anyhow, if you want to leave a message . . .

2) ... 20% hazy, 40% sunny and windy, with 55% chance of showers and an 80% chance of clearing, changing to sleet.

3) Thank you very much. At first I had not intended to make a long speech tonight, but. . .

4) Your daughter home? Tell her that it's Biker.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT

1) Staten Island by James A. Michener. Thirteen centuries of life and struggle in New York's least-known borough, focusing on the saga of the Ferry family. "Magnificent"--Kirkus Reviews.

2) Erma Bombeck 's Letters to Andy Rooney. Hilarious yet wise correspondence between the nation's best-loved humorists, with advice on everything from how to jar pickles to how to eat jam. "Sidesplitting"--Kirkus Reviews.

3) The Wallace Family's Book of the Wallace Family. A complete listing of all the people in the world, past and present, bearing the name Wallace or Wallechinsky, and what they did with their lives. "Indispensable"--Kirkus Reviews.

4) Richer and Thinner in Your Mid-Life Crisis by Jane Fonda and Garfield the Cat. Frankly commercial yet endearing and useful guide by America's bestselling authors. "A treat"--Kirkus Reviews.

5) All Things Soft and Edible by James Herriot. A surprising new look at the Yorkshire veterinarian. Introduction by Julia Child. "Delicious"--Kirkus Reviews.

DEAD OF NIGHT 6:30 Three's Company (R)

7:00 Mammal (R) 7:30 Don't Give My Baby the Chair (2 hr.). TV movie about blind, interracial couple living in South Africa whose seven-year-old dyslexic son has been accused of rape and murder. Linda Blair and Edward Asner. Tender, raging. 8:00 Sports Spectacular: Bowling from Halifax (R) 8:30 Brighton War Bride (5 hr.). A 78-part BBC series on British hotel life during World War I, specifically January-March 1917. Superb cast.

9:00 Will There Be Another Christmas? (7 hr.). TV movie. A terminally ill female wheelchair basketball team beats the Philadelphia 76ers. Linda Blair and Edward Asner. Convincing, raging.

9:30 MTV (rock music). Groups: Maimed; Sick and Vile; The Herpes. 10:00 Barkie (new comedy series). What happens when a divorced homeless couple adopts a Chicano orphan who can change himself into a flying puppy? Edward Asner and Linda Blair. Delightful, raging. 10:30 Luciano Pavarotti Sings Every Aria Ever Written (9 days).

THEM

Bill Blass explaining how he does it; Martina Navratilova explaining how she did it; Warren Beatty explaining why he did it; Ben Kingsley explaining that it was important; the cast of Torch Song Trilogy explaining how incredible it is; the cast of M*A*S*H explaining how remarkable it was; Carl Sagan explaining how many there are; Billy Martin explaining it was a mistake; George Steinbrenner explaining it was a misunderstanding; Larry Speakes explaining what was really meant; David Bowie explaining what he is; Mary Cunningham and William Agee explaining everything.

ALONE IN THE DARK 1) An Officer and Princess Leia. Richard Gere and Carrie Fisher. Slum kid fights to join the Jedi.

2) Flashin ' 'n ' Dancin '. Jennifer Beals and John Travolta. A dentist and a C.P.A.

dance their way into the Kirov.

3) Rocky IX. Sylvester Stallone et al. In a 15-round split decision, Rocky regains crown from Burgess Meredith.

4) Beer Haul Redneck Express. Burt Reynolds, Dom De Luise. High-speed fun as battling bootleggers barrel down high ways crashing into diners.

5) Spielberg, the Extraterrestrial. Adorable creature descends from another planet and begins directing movies.

THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI To the staff: It is my great pleasure to announce the appointment of Vice President Zinc Savage, who comes to us from the SWAT division of the Philadelphia police department, where "Old Firing Squad," as he was known . . .; Out of paper; "The boss would like to see you, Smith. Now"; "How about lunch some time?"; Dictated but not signed; "That's a no-brainer, Smith"; "Does Mr. Harris know what this call is in regard to?"; Signed but not dictated; "Let's lunch"; Out of ink; Not dictated, not signed; "Ever free for lunch?"; "Smith, give me a mind-dump on this by tomorrow"; Best wishes, Best regards, Warmest wishes, All best, All warmest; Dictated but not read; To the staff: Due to heavy losses in the last quarter . . .; "May I speak to you -- privately?"; Out of order; Out to lunch; "So you're Smith. We've heard a lot about you."

Do you think that ends it? Or is there yet one more terror lurking in the shadows? Listen. What was that noise? Did you hear a footstep? There is nothing we can do. The house shakes, the dishes rattle, and our hands tremble on the door knob. Come in, gentlemen. Another election year -- already?

-- By Roger Rosenblatt This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so viewer discretion is required.