Saying What You Mean

By Otto Friedrich

The language of love has always been a series of coded signals, sometimes hard to read, sometimes easy, often deceptive, always changing. Here is a sampling of what lovers are saying and what their words seem to mean:

Caring. Complimentary term meaning affectionate but not too demanding. A man who has a dog is a caring person. Commitment. The ultimate goal: he is ready to live with her, if she can put up with the dog, and vice versa. If one still wants to flirt, one is "not ready to make a commitment." Communicate. To speak earnestly about various aspects of the commitment. When he breaks off the argument about the dog and starts silently but noisily washing the dishes, he is "not communicating." Depersonalized. A term of dislike, as in "You have become depersonalized. You forgot my birthday." Emotional bottom line. Latest judgment on how the commitment is faring. Current use of a financial term for an emotional relationship may be a symptom of national economic malaise or simply a sign that more accountants are falling in love. Fidelity. Term of praise for obeying the commitment. Insensitive. The offender is not serious about the commitment or, possibly, told a truly tasteless joke. Interface. To have a relationship. Macho. Term of abuse for men who refuse to wash dishes or are otherwise insensitive. Mature. Ready to make a commitment. However, it may mean pornographic when applied to books and movies. Nonexploitive. A favorable term. He doesn't complain about washing the dishes. Nonmanipulative. He refrains from praising her mother's cooking. Outgrow. Explanation for a breakdown of the commitment, e.g., "I've outgrown him." More rarely, "We've outgrown each other." POSSLQ. People of the opposite sex sharing living quarters. A creation of Washington officialese to describe the inhabitants of miscellaneous households. Primary relationship. He strays from the commitment once in a while. Or she has too, but only that weekend with an old friend. Relationship. The object of the commitment. To be kept in repair, it is "worked at." There are many degrees of intensification and levels of progression, e.g., real relationship, ongoing relationship. The 1970s term "meaningful relationship" is out. Sensitive. Term of praise when applied to men. Stereotypical, and thus insensitive, when applied to women. Serious. Term of praise. A serious person makes a serious commitment to a serious relationship. Share an experience. To communicate, as in "I had an experience I want to share with you." Space. Nebulous area believed to surround a person, a region of turbulence when violated, as in "He takes up too much of my space." Strong. Term of praise when applied to women. When applied to men, it implies tendency toward insensitivity, even machismo. Wholeness. Hoped-for consequence of commitment. Sometimes even includes dishwashing and dog. --By Otto Friedrich