THE SCARIEST BIKER GANG OF ALL

By STEVE LOPEZ

San Francisco could take it easy if it wanted to. It could just sit there on the apron of the continent and find contentment in its unfair share of splendor. But America's most hypersensitive city has never been happy without a cause to embrace passionately or, at the very least, something to be ticked off about.

This time the entire populace has been worked into a lather over bicycles. Or cars. It depends on which side you're on. What began five years ago as a monthly rush-hour bicycle ride designed to make the point that cycling is a sensible alternative to driving in a city choked by traffic, has escalated into a war. On the last Friday in July, 5,000 cyclists participating in what is known as the Critical Mass bikeathon, jammed city streets, and the result resembled an episode of American Gladiators. Hemorrhaging cyclists and motorists squared off to scream, spit and throw hands.

"I wasn't that frightened until they threatened to flip our car over," says Kathleen Shuey. She and her husband George were trying to get on the Bay Bridge when their Volvo station wagon was surrounded for no apparent reason by "maybe a hundred" cyclists, one of whom scratched the side of the car. "That's when I got out and ran after him, and I almost grabbed him," says George. "Where does this stop?" Ironically, the Shueys support alternative transportation, but none of the cyclists bothered to ask. George, a Vietnam vet, and his wife, a recovering cancer patient, are artists who need a car to haul materials and make deliveries.

Not that a few wacko cyclists were the only irrational people in this mess. The wizards at city hall inflamed the situation by sending out battalions of police in riot gear. They arrested more than 100 cyclists, including some peaceable ones who were just trying to point out that the city needs more bike lanes; their bikes were confiscated. The normally unflappable Mayor Willie Brown, a world-class deal broker, seemed ready to snap. Critical Mass, a leaderless mob that refers to itself as an idea rather than an organization (and has manifestations in a dozen other cities), had got his goat by having no one for him to cut a deal with. Willie doesn't do Zen. He threatened to keep both the bikes and the riders locked up, because "a little jail time" would teach these revolutionaries a lesson. But, Mr. Mayor, aren't they just following San Francisco's great tradition of protest? Civil rights, antiwar, gay rights? "These people," Brown told TIME with a snarl, "are an insult to those of us who were about serious protest."

And therein lies the problem. Everyone's so worked up, no one can see middle ground. Cyclists wonder why everyone has to have a gas-guzzling utility vehicle with an annoyingly sporty name. What, really, are the chances of encountering falling rocks on the way to the strip mall? At the other end of the spectrum, which in San Francisco is the breadth of the Milky Way, Erik Beckjord has formed Drivers Against Bicycle Anarchy. He says drivers will use, if necessary, "the Club, tire irons, pepper spray and baseball bats" as weapons. In saner moments, Beckjord runs the UFO and Bigfoot Museum. Honest.

Not everyone is on the fringe. "The bicycle is one solution, but what we need is a broader conversation about long-term answers to the traffic problem," says Joe Carroll of the San Francisco Bicycle Coalition. Like many cities, San Francisco is a transportation nightmare regardless of whether Critical Mass is stalling traffic. On a recent midday trip along Market Street, it took half an hour to drive four blocks. But you can't blame city hall for that, says Steve Heminger of the Metropolitan Transportation Commission, a regional planning agency. Around the country, about 70% of all workers get to the job driving alone in a car. In San Francisco, it's only 38%. Heminger points out that San Francisco lost two freeways in the 1989 earthquake and has a rusting public-transit system. But as it becomes more obvious that mass transit is the way to relieve pollution and traffic, the Federal and state governments often respond with a collective "Drop dead!" Heminger says the best hope is to raise money through local increases in the gas tax or other levies. Honk if you're on board.

Here's a better plan: San Francisco loves to congratulate itself on how progressive it is, so how about if Mayor Brown brokers a deal to address one of the great transit insanities of the universe? It costs $1 round trip to drive into San Francisco and back on the Bay Bridge but $4 and up to take Bay Area Rapid Transit. Beginning next week, every car that crosses the bridge with a lone driver should be charged $4; with two people in the car, $3; with three people, $2; and with four people, $1. With less traffic, a bridge lane for bikes could be opened, and with the extra tolls, public transit could be replenished. Critical thinking as opposed to critical mass. But don't call here for details. This is an idea, not an organization.