PEOPLE

By Belinda Luscombe

TOP SECRET: TWO WEDDINGS

Getting married is always an act of faith, but a recent pair of nuptials displayed a particularly vibrant brand of optimism. SALMAN RUSHDIE, who is still under the fatwa placed upon him on Valentine's Day 1989 by the late Ayatullah Khomeini (unromantic chap), wed his girlfriend of three years in a private ceremony in the Hamptons, New York City's summer playground. Most media outlets, in recognition of the danger in which her marital state places the new MRS. RUSHDIE, are simply calling her Elizabeth. It's The Satanic Verses author's third stab at marriage, which puts him a few lengths behind another recent secret groom, LARRY KING, who got married for the seventh time in a private ceremony last week, three days before he was scheduled to undergo angioplasty to clear a blocked blood vessel. The wedding, which was originally to be a gala, star-studded affair, was held a day early because of the operation. On this occasion the happy bride was SHAWN SOUTHWICK, herself a veteran of two prior unions.

EDITING OUT THE EDITORS

Writing a best-selling novel isn't the same thing as editing a best-selling newspaper. PETE HAMILL, author of Snow in August, proved that last week when, after eight scant months, he was more or less forced to resign as editor of the New York Daily News by owner Mortimer Zuckerman. Hamill can perhaps put in a brotherly call to Michael Kelly, who was fired from his position as editor of the New Republic after only 10 months. "This is a journal of opinion, and the gap between his opinions and mine was increasingly wide," says the magazine's owner, Martin Peretz. Rupert Murdoch didn't fire anyone.

SEEN & HEARD

Talk about a rude awakening. Howard Stern welcomed his new, mostly French-speaking audience in Montreal this week by calling the French "peckerheads," "the biggest scumbags on the planet" and "cowards" for collaborating with the Nazis. Justice Minister Serge Menard said Stern could be prosecuted for hatemongering. Or maybe he'll just get more listeners.

Hold on just a little longer, Far Side fans. Relief is at hand. Gary Larson, who retired the quirky cartoons in 1995, has written an illustrated book. There's a Hair in My Dirt is a fable about a frumpy woman told from a worm's-eye view, and is due out, appropriately enough, on Earth Day next year, April 22. Too long a wait? Larson's second animated film is in the can.

DOES MTV STAND FOR MOSTLY TRADITIONAL VALUES?

Coming soon to the Family Channel: the MTV awards. Well, not quite. But if one overlooked the obligatory profane words and Marilyn Manson's buttocks, the ceremony last week was remarkably tame for an event that was supposed to celebrate rock 'n' roll. The show was even moving at times, with several performers offering tributes to those who had died, including Notorious B.I.G. and Princess Diana. The SPICE GIRLS, not known for their emotional depth, added a sober note to their saucy little outfits by donning black armbands when they performed. And, sure, BUSTA RHYMES wore a dress, but how wild can an event be when his co-presenter was MARTHA STEWART? Most of the recipients thanked their parents, and MADONNA even found time to give a little sermon about how people ought to treat celebrities. Perhaps participants were inspired by the fact that celeb guru Deepak Chopra was in the house--he has two records in the works, one to which Madonna and Demi Moore have reportedly agreed to contribute. Oh, yeah, a few bands won awards too.