People

By Joel Stein

SOON-YI: STUDENT, WIFE, ACTRESS?

The dangerous thing isn't marrying the adopted daughter of his ex-lover--we were prepped for that long before WOODY ALLEN and SOON-YI PREVIN wed in Venice over Christmas. No, the dangerous part is trying to make her an actress. Allen is writing an off-Broadway show for his bride. According to the New York Post, while this type of move worked well with past loves Louise Lasser, Diane Keaton and Mia Farrow, they had the advantage of being actresses. Soon-Yi, on the other hand, may be traveling down the bumpy road taken by Tom Arnold. "He likes to mentor young people," Phil Leshin, who says he is a friend of Allen's, told the Post. "It's Pygmalion all over again."

FEUD OF THE WEEK

NOEL ("MORNING GLORY") GALLAGHER AGE: 30 HEIGHT: 5 ft. 7 in. OCCUPATION: Playing guitar for Oasis BEST PUNCH: Told Italian radio that the English royals "should all be shot" and that for a Christmas gift he would like to give the Queen "a kick up the ass."

ELIZABETH ("THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND") WINDSOR AGE: 71 HEIGHT: 5 ft. 3 in. OCCUPATION: Mostly waving BEST PUNCH: Stayed (surprise) silent. But a source at Buckingham Palace told reporters, "Mr. Gallagher should apologize. If he has any class, any at all, he will."

THE WINNER: A tie. Both Gallagher and the Queen are chummy with the popular Tony Blair

DID HE BUY SLIM JIMS TOO?

Though the "A Day in the Life of Congressman Sensenbrenner" link on his Website doesn't mention the legislator's visits to Congressional Liquors, it turns out that one of those stops may be the highlight of the Wisconsin Republican's year. Last week tightwad REPRESENTATIVE F. JAMES SENSENBRENNER JR., who has served since 1979 and has been named the National Taxpayers Union's most fiscally responsible Congressman for the past three years, won $250,000 on a Dec. 18 Quick Cash ticket. Willie McCoy, the store manager who sold the ticket, said that Sensenbrenner is a regular at the store and that "quite a number" of Congressmen play the lottery. Not all of them, however, are worth the $8 million that Sensenbrenner already has, largely because of his great-grandfather, who founded the Kimberly-Clark Corp.

ACT POORLY AT THE BEEP

How could irrepressible actor QUENTIN TARANTINO, after casting himself in all his directorial outings, not put himself in Jackie Brown? A careful listening will discover him giving a shrill, stilted delivery of lines like "end of messages" as the voice of PAM GRIER'S answering machine. Not quite as sly as Hitchcock, but a lot more pleasant than watching him play a real character.

SIGN OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM

Continuing Di's work in demystifying the royalty, the subject formerly known as Reg Dwight will be knighted SIR ELTON HERCULES JOHN.

Q&A

WILLIE NELSON just finished shooting The Hilo Country with Woody Harrelson.

Q: How often do you cut your hair?

A: When I really get so pissed off at it and I can't figure out whether I have hair or it has me. I cut it about a year ago. I'm determined to let it go this time.

Q: When did you first decide to go with the braids?

A: When it started getting in my eyes and a bandanna wasn't working. It was too long for one ponytail. By separating it into braids, it broke up the weight.

Q: If they had made you cut your hair, would you have turned down the part?

A: If they had asked me nice, I might have done it.

Q: Really?

A: No. It wasn't a big enough part to cut my hair for.

Q: You're pro-marijuana legalization, right?

A: Oh, yeah.

Q: What's the most you ever smoked in a day?

A: Seven kilo. Q: Wow.

A: I'm just kidding.

Q: You can't remember, huh?

A: No. Even when I was drinking a lot, I never said, "How much whiskey did I drink today?"

Q: But it's a lot, huh?

A: I can smoke a lot more weed than I can drink whiskey.

Q: When you get the munchies, do you go straight for Chee-tos or are you a Doritos man?

A: I like chicken-fried steak myself.

Q: Doesn't it feel good now that the IRS is getting theirs?

A: I'm laughing a lot. I'm watching the news a lot more often than I used to.

Q: Do you still owe them money?

A: I'm even with those guys.

Q: Were you ever stoned while talking to an IRS agent?

A: If I knew I was going to deal with them, I made sure I was stoned.

BUT WILL IT LAST?

Actor-rapper Will Smith and actress Jada Pinkett got married on New Year's Eve. Will their marriage survive?

PRO

--They're family oriented: she's already pregnant with their child

--He's rich and famous; she's rich and famous

--She hates bras

--Able to keep reporters away from wedding

--Smith makes $12.5 million a film

CON

--They met when Pinkett tried out for a role in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. She did not get the part

--Smith has a commitment problem: Whither DJ Jazzy Jeff?

--Smith has an ex-wife

--Smith has boundary issues, to wit: "He's the DJ, I'm the Rapper"

--Workaholics. They put off their honeymoon because Smith is in the middle of shooting a movie

PREDICTION Yes! They are both extremely good-looking

THE WEEK IN BULLS

He Scores; He Shoots

Dec. 30: MICHAEL JORDAN, a Chicago Bull, sets an NBA record with his 788th consecutive game scoring in double figures.

Dec. 27: SUNNY BOY, a Dutch bull, passes away after setting the record for most bovine sperm produced: 2 million doses.

COMO SE DICE FREE AGENT?

Capitalism may seem complex, but it turns out not so much. When ORLANDO ("El Duque") HERNANDEZ, half-brother of World Series MVP Livan Hernandez, reached Bahamian shores after escaping from Cuba on a 20-ft. raft stocked with water, sugar and four cans of Spam, he indignantly, or perhaps shrewdly, turned down an American offer of asylum. Indignantly, because his six shipmates were not also offered asylum. Shrewdly, because, as agent Joe Cubas advised, claiming citizenship in another country will allow him to avoid the major league baseball draft and immediately make big money as a free agent. El Duque and fellow sailor Alberto Hernandez (no relation) had been barred from baseball in Cuba for helping Livan escape in 1995.