Notebook

By Tam Gray, Anita Hamilton, Janice Horowitz, Nadya Labi, Michael Lemonick, Michele Orecklin, Joshua Quittner, Noah Robischon and Alain Sanders

WINNERS & LOSERS SOME JOB TITLES HAVE IT; SOME DON'T

[WINNERS]

THE BOXER Oscar bait: Daniel Day-Lewis' movie about Northern Ireland opens to rave reviews

THE DUCHESS Fergie and the Queen enjoy a Christmas reconciliation. The toe sucking's under the bridge

THE HONKY CAT From now on, it's Sir Elton Hercules John, if you please

[& LOSERS]

THE POSTMAN Video-store bait: Kevin Costner's movie about post-apocalyptic America sinks like a stone

THE INTERN Don't cross Hizzoner: Giuliani fires kid employee who razzes new pedestrian barricades

THE CHICKEN COOK Poultry slaughter in Hong Kong; what's General Tso to do?

MMMBOOKS

You may love their hit single, MMMBop, but is there such a thing as too much Hanson? The three brothers who make up the pubescent pop sensation are the subject of two New York Times Best Sellers. Need to choose? Here's what each book offers:

Hanson: MMMBop to the Top. An Unauthorized Biography:

--Author's previous credits include The Lives and Loves of New Kids on the Block.

--Tips for meeting the guys when they play your hometown (crash the sound check; ask your parents' friends if they know anyone who knows anyone).

--Clap-o-Meter and Sap-o-Meter for each track on Middle of Nowhere album.

--Detailed background on boys' hometown of Tulsa, Okla.: ("Tulsa is proudly multi-culti to the max...")

Hanson: The Official Book:

--Carries the Official Hanson Product seal.

--Dozens of color photos suitable for framing.

--World tour info: ("Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia...is situated on the island of Java and is home to perhaps the most frenzied Hanson fans on planet earth.")

--Explains the derivation of the "emotional ballad" Weird: "We were talking about the fact that nobody had ever written a song about the word weird. It seemed strange to us. Think about how many times you say 'weird.'"

HAIR TO THE CHIEF

Whiskers used to be proof of a man's manliness and his leadership capabilities. No more. Goatees and soul patches may be fine for academics, artists, athletes and the unemployed, but these days national leaders are smooth. Here's a chart showing how long it's been in various countries since the honcho had facial hair.

U.S. Bill Clinton William Howard Taft (1) 85 years

AUSTRALIA John Howard William Morris Hughes (2) 64 years

SWEDEN Goran Persson Axel Bramstort 61 years

GERMANY Helmut Kohl Adolf Hitler (3) 54 years

SOUTH AFRICA Nelson Mandela Jan Christiaan Smuts 49 years

RUSSIA Boris Yeltsin Joseph Stalin (4) 44 years

BRITAIN Tony Blair Harold Macmillan (5) 34 years

FRANCE Jacques Chirac Charles de Gaulle (6) 32 years

LIBYA Muammar Gaddafi King Idris (7) 28 years

EGYPT Hosni Mubarak Anwar Sadat (8) 16 years

ITALY Romano Prodi Giovanni Goria 9 years

NICARAGUA Arnoldo Aleman Daniel Ortega (9) 7 years

MEXICO Ernesto Zedillo Carlos Salinas (10) 3 years

And if amassing chemical and biological weapons wasn't signal enough that Iraq is out of step with the rest of the world, consider how long it's been since that nation had a clean-shaven ruler.

IRAQ Saddam Hussein King Faisal II (11) 39 years

HEALTH REPORT

THE GOOD NEWS

GOOD AS GOLD Sounds like alchemy, but scientists say wearing a gold ring may help arthritis. In a study, patients who donned gold bands had significantly less arthritis in their ring fingers and adjacent joints than in the corresponding fingers of the opposite hand.

HAIR, NOT THERE For years, doctors have used lasers to remove unwanted hair, but first they had to wax the area and apply a messy solution. Now a small study finds that lasers alone can do the job just as well--without the bothersome pretreatment.

CHEERS! Another one for wine. As little as one glass a month--red or white--may cut in half the risk of macular degeneration.

Sources: Annals of the Rheumatic Diseases; Archives of Dermatology; Journal of American Geriatrics Society

THE BAD NEWS

WEIGHTY MATTERS It's no longer considered O.K. to put on even a few pounds just because you're aging. To achieve maximum longevity, finds a study, weight should be kept at a stable and low level throughout adulthood.

INCONCEIVABLY WARM Not a good idea to sleep under that toasty electric blanket if you're trying to conceive. Women who use one at the time of conception or in early pregnancy raise their odds of spontaneous abortion nearly 75%.

SEEING RED Carmine dye, used for red and pink hues in food, may cause severe allergic reactions. And the dye may not be on the label because it's a "natural" additive; it's made from crushed insects.

Sources: New England Journal of Medicine; Epidemiology; Annals of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology

CRIME REPORT

BAD NEWS FOR GOOD GOVERNMENT People have long suspected politicians are crooks, but in the past two weeks a number of our mayors have gone from lawmakers to lawbreakers.

CRAIG JOHNSON Mayor of Snow Hill, Md.

THE CRIME: Allegedly lent out a sheriff's squad car for a porn shoot; arrested on Dec. 23 after some vigilant local teenagers spotted the photos on the Internet.

STATUS: Said he won't resign.

ALLENE BURTON Mayor of Covington, Ga.

THE CRIME: Regarded as a "perfect lady," Herroner surrendered on Dec. 23 to charges of shoplifting three pieces of jewelry worth $75 from a department store.

STATUS: Resigned.

DANIEL DEVLIN Mayor of Darby, Pa.

THE CRIME: Admitted to walking into a bank on Dec. 26, announcing, "This is a holdup. I have a bomb" (luckily he didn't) and leaving with $1,500.

STATUS: Term expired Jan. 5.