People

By Joel Stein

SAVE NORM!

You cried, you screamed, maybe you discussed the matter with your spiritual leader. But what can you do--really do--to help NORM MACDONALD get back his job as the anchor of Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"? Join our letter-writing campaign! Simply clip out this letter, blow it up 60% on a copier, affix a stamp and send it to Don Ohlmeyer, the man who took away Norm's job.

Don Ohlmeyer President NBC West Coast NBC 3000 West Alameda Avenue Burbank, CA 91523

Dear Mr. Ohlmeyer,

I'm writing to express my support for Norm MacDonald, who, as anchor of "Weekend Update," was the only funny part of the otherwise lifeless Saturday Night Live. I am asking you to reinstate Norm. Until that time, I will watch Mad TV, which I've never seen but doesn't look real good.

Sincerely,

OH, MS. RENO!

Attorney General JANET RENO turned down cameo roles in both Ally McBeal and Dharma & Greg. Is she holding out for her own show? Something more like these?

8 P.M. ABC JANET! To infiltrate a militia, Reno takes a job as an au pair in a right-wing Montana household. Watch as Janet learns to cook, change diapers and clean an antiaircraft weapon.

8 P.M. FOX JUSTICE The Justice Dept. is a hotbed of infighting--and inloving--as Reno's ex (Harvey Fierstein) is named special prosecutor to investigate the President (Bronson Pinchot).

8 P.M. CBS RENO'S REDEMPTION When tragedy strikes the destitute and downtrodden, Reno and her sidekick, Gramps (Abe Vigoda), dole out free legal advice and a hefty shoulder to cry on.

FEUD OF THE WEEK

OPRAH (FORMERLY "ZAFTIG") WINFREY OCCUPATION: Running a book club BEST PUNCH: In a 1996 episode about mad-cow disease coming to the U.S., Oprah said, "It has just stopped me cold from eating another burger. I'm stopped." Cattle prices fell for the next two weeks.

TEXAS ("MAD, MAD, MAD") CATTLEMEN OCCUPATION: Killing bovines BEST PUNCH: Thirteen cattlemen have forced Oprah to move her talk show to Amarillo, Texas, on Jan. 26 for a multimillion-dollar defamation lawsuit they filed under Texas' popular "veggie libel" law.

THE WINNER Oprah. She's the most powerful woman in the U.S. Laws be damned.

Q&A

Q, played by Desmond Llewelyn, has provided all the gadgets in each James Bond film since 1963's From Russia with Love.

Q: Q. That's a funny name.

A: Well, it's Quartermaster.

Q: What does that mean?

A: You have a Quartermaster in your American Army, don't you?

Q: I've never been in the Army.

A: Well, that's difficult. The Quartermaster collects and looks after all the science of the army.

Q: What real-life gadgets have impressed you?

A: I'm afraid I know nothing about gadgets. Not at all.

Q: Oh. Did Q get babes?

A: I never see any. Oh yes, I did meet the Bond girls in Octopussy when I landed in the balloon.

Q: Now were you kind of embarrassed at the title Octopussy?

A: No. Why should I be?

Q: I couldn't even screw up the courage to ask my parents to take me.

A: Why? What's wrong with it?

Q: I don't know. I guess I have some growing up to do.

A: Yeah.

Q: Do people ever recognize you on the street and bother you with dumb questions like this?

A: Well, they don't ask me questions as dumb as you're asking.