Notebook

By Tam Gray, Dara Horn, Ian Judson, Michele Orecklin, Edgar Ortega Barrales, Alain Sanders and Jessica Yadegaran

WINNERS & LOSERS

[WINNERS]

JAMES JOYCE His Ulysses is named century's best novel. Is Joyce somewhere gloating? "yes I said yes!"

MIKE MCCURRY Adroit Clinton mouthpiece steps down, credibility largely intact. Pastures of punditry await

SEX Defense Department aims to reduce penalties for adulterers in uniform. A liberal Pentagon?

[& LOSERS]

DARYL JONES Air Force Secretary nominee takes flak, goes down in flames. Hey, like in Clinton's first term!

JERRY KRAUSE Bulls V.P. plays games with Jordan, picks coach-in-waiting. Yo, Jer, who pays to see you work?

SEX Mayor Giuliani aims to close strip clubs and sex shops. A conservative New York?

CONTEST CORNER

YOUR TURN Calling all humorists! Here's your challenge in our first-ever Contest of the Week: Can you top Michael Pappas? Last week the New Jersey Congressman sang an ode to Kenneth Starr on the House floor to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

An excerpt:

When subpoenas and lies are gone, When obstruction shines upon, Then you throw your trump cards down, Twinkle, twinkle all brought down. Twinkle, twinkle Kenneth Starr, Now we see how brave you are!

--To enter, stop booing, adapt a nursery rhyme of your choice and compose a stanza on your favorite newsmaker. Fax your entry to 212-467-1010, e-mail it to [email protected] or mail it to TIME Notebook Contest #1, Room 2321B, Time & Life Building, New York, N.Y. 10020. Watch this space for the winning entry.

RETAIL

THE LATEST RIPOFF This con-artist ploy gives new meaning to the phrase "Shop till you drop." A letter in this month's Journal of Accident and Emergency Medicine reports on two British women who feigned collapse at cashier's counters every few days. When they were put into ambulances, bystanders also packed in their goods. Once at the hospital, "recovery is rapid." Result: free, if felonious, shopping.

JAMMING WITH THE SEPHARDIC SANTANA

The Hasidic rock movement is alive and well, as we found out when we spoke to aleph-list guitarist Yosi Piamenta, who has won comparisons with Jimi Hendrix from New York audiences.

Q: What sort of musician are you?

A: My expertise is cutting-edge rock 'n' roll, but my vocabulary and influence--aside from rock--are Jewish music from the Orient and Europe.

Q: How did you start playing?

A: I got my first guitar for my bar mitzvah. My father smashed it when my grades began to drop.

Q: If you were stranded on an island, what CDs would you want with you?

A: Hendrix's Axis: Bold as Love, Birds of Fire by the Mahavishnu Orchestra, and Sgt. Pepper by the Beatles.

Q: What do you think of Eddie Van Halen?

A: I feel like I know him because I know his music so well. I feel the same about Santana and Hendrix.

Q: Do the Hasidim approve of all this partying?

A: Yes! King David played the violin. The prophets produced their prophecies through music. So nobody who really follows the Torah can say music has any contradiction with Jewish life.

TRIP TIPS

WHEN IN ROME... For some dos and don'ts to remember this travel season, we checked out our travel guides and checked in with protocol expert Mary Kay Metcalf at Creative Marketing Alliance in New Jersey. Our oy!tiquette tips:

STRANGERS BEARING GIFTS: Beware what you offer your host. Pass up chrysanthemums in Argentina (they denote funerals), clocks in China (the written characters resemble those for death) and red pens in South Korea (red ink conveys unfriendliness).

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Don't be gauche. In Saudi Arabia and other Islamic countries, eat and drink with your right hand; the left is considered unclean.

GESTURES: Your mother was right. Don't point. But if in Singapore you must, use your thumb, not your forefinger, lest it be taken as an insult or obscenity. In Russia, don't shake hands across a threshold; it might invite bad luck. In Buddhist lands like Burma, don't pat a child on the head; it's the spiritually highest part of the body.

HIDDEN MEANINGS. In Japan, you nod your head in agreement; your host smiles and thinks you're paying attention. In Egypt, you shake your head in disagreement; your host frowns and wonders why you don't understand. In Mexico, don't call her senora, which can imply aging; call her senorita. And in Zimbabwe, don't ask, "Is it far?"; out of courtesy people will answer, "Not far." (Be specific and ask, "How long does it take by foot?")