David Cross

By Joel Stein

David Cross co-stars in HBO's Mr. Show.

Q: You once opened for Gallagher.

A: It was Gallagher 2.

Q: His brother? So it's true? Half the time you're paying good money to see Gallagher, and you get his look-alike brother instead?

A: If you want to see Gallagher, I've got no sympathy for you. None. Zip. You get what you pay for, which is some clownish retard throwing water at you.

Q: Did Gallagher 2 turn out to be a really nice guy so you couldn't deck him?

A: No. He has things that dump foam or water on you, and they're battery operated. I stole all the batteries and took off.

Q: I heard your Mr. Show partner, Bob Odenkirk, is dead weight--your Art Garfunkel, your Andrew Ridgely, your Lowell Ganz. When are you going to drop him?

A: I'm afraid he's going to drop me.

Q: Do I have this backward? He's pulling you along?

A: Oh, definitely. Yeah. I'll be in the trailer, and they'll wake me up and say, "Read these words." I'm also a heroin addict. Just 'cause it's cool.

Q: That's over, man.

A: Maybe in New York. I'm in L.A.

Q: You're three hours behind.

A: Yeah.

Q: Do you think the title Mr. Show alienates women?

A: Only feminists. And honestly, who cares?

Q: Does HBO pay you for the show?

A: They pay me in free cable. And then I sell the cable. I'm actually talking about literally coils of cable.

Q: I thought, working for Time Warner, I'd get free cable service.

A: And?

Q: No dice.

A: You ought to fire-bomb their building. That's what I'd do.

Q: I might just steal their batteries.

A: Well, whatever. It seems like you're kind of ripping me off there.

--By Joel Stein