People

By Josh Tyrangiel

Prince Normal

Britain used to be a real monarchy. Then it wised up and got with democracy. But the democracy passed all sorts of crazy laws to protect the monarchy. That's why we left. Anyway, on Wednesday PRINCE WILLIAM exits minor-hood and turns 18, and the restrictions that protect him from being hounded by the media become as irrelevant as granddad Prince Philip. So, perhaps to prevent a feeding frenzy, the royal family offered up several official photos of the studly Prince doing all sorts of normal things--cooking, working on a computer, playing water polo--in hopes that his life will be spared from press intrusion. Good luck, dude.

OH PLEASE, DEAR GOD, NO

Having shed 75 lbs. over the past two years, courtesy of a tummy tuck and vigorous exercise, Roseanne, 47, announced last week that she will show off what remains of her figure in a nude photo spread. "I can't confirm Playboy because I'm also talking to Penthouse," said the talk-show host/comedian. "All three of us are haggling over price and retouching rights." Roseanne wasn't specific about what needs retouching, and we thank her for that. Representatives from Penthouse and Playboy habitually refuse comment on any possible future layouts. Still, a Playboy spokesman noted, "We have heard that Roseanne has slimmed down and now looks great. Nothing is impossible." Upon further questioning, the spokesman admitted that "tasteful Tom Arnold nudes" are actually impossible.

WHO SAW IT COMING?

American innocence died another little death last week. After 23 years of always interesting matrimony, it was revealed that JOEY and MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO have separated. You may recall that in 1992 Mary Jo was shot in the head by Joey's 17-year-old lover, Amy Fisher. Not one to overreact, Mary Jo stood by her man, and things seemed peachy after that little bump in the road. Following Joey's 1995 imprisonment for soliciting sex from an undercover cop (at least no one was shot), the Long Island couple moved to California to start a new life. Sadly, the life wasn't all that new. Joey's dreams of movie stardom went unfulfilled, and the couple drifted apart. And now it has come to this. "I think after all this, any couple would need a little bit of space," said Joey.

THE WAYS OF THEIR ERRORS

New York Yankees second baseman Chuck Knoblauch and rotund golfer John Daly both had Thursdays they'd like to forget. Knoblauch committed three errors in a Yankee loss; Daly shot a 14 on one U.S. Open hole. Compare their incompetence:

KNOBLAUCH DALY

NO Placed ball in the Pacific Ocean YES

YES Was booed loudly NO

YES Withdrew from field of play YES

YES Showed self-hatred for incompetence NO

YES Talked of quitting and moving NO to Cayman Islands

Yes Name means "garlic" in German NO